


i got love in my pocket

by Toucanna



Series: the four times casey and izzie almost have sex and the one time they do [5]
Category: Atypical (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Masturbation, Sexting, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:35:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21722323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toucanna/pseuds/Toucanna
Summary: And like that, Izzie meanders up the front walkway of her apartment building. It looks fake, a half-rendered video game, and she wonders if there’s a chance she’s dreaming. Because, to be honest, this outcome hadn’t even crossed her mind as a possibility. She walked into the track thinking she was about to lose her best friend. Now, she’s walking into her home knowing what it’s like to kiss her.An evolution of Casey and Izzie's texts from the beginning until now.
Relationships: Casey Gardner/Izzie
Series: the four times casey and izzie almost have sex and the one time they do [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1553503
Comments: 13
Kudos: 362





	i got love in my pocket

**Author's Note:**

> hello y'all! i'm sorry this technically isn't part 5 it's more part 4.5, but i wrote it while writing the last part (part 3) so i wanted to post the whole thing to hold you guys over until me and isabella get our shit together. it's the progression of cazzie's texts to each other from when they first became friends until post the latest part in the series. i'm really proud of this thing so let me know what you guys think! it's kind of a long one! remember to follow me @villanever and isabella @theatrelesbabe on tumblr for more obnoxious cazzie content. love y'all

Casey has decided she’s never drinking again. Like ever. She barely cracks her eyes open half a second, and her head explodes in ear-splitting pain. Also, her mouth is so dry it feels glued shut. She tries smacking her lips a bit, but it only makes her feel like she’s chewing on 20 cotton balls. 

She attempts to open her eyes once more, hoping to be greeted with the familiar turquoise walls of her beloved room. However, she comes face to face with an anesthetic yellow-white color. She shoots up, realizing she is definitely not at home. 

Unable to move due to fear paralysis and her entire body aching, she attempts to deduce her location. Did she try to stumble home from Evan’s and got picked up by a sketchy van along the way, and now, she’s in a crack den about to be sold into a sex trafficking ring? 

Judging by the bird pattern upholstered chair in front of her, she’s inclined to think this room is not the source of any nefarious activities, and she certainly hopes not because her dad would not make a very good Liam Neeson. She’d be fucking doomed. 

Luckily, she gets her answer when she hears Christopher groan at the door way. “Great. Now, there’s two of you.”

Elsa. 

As if on cue, her mom enters, painkillers and a glass of water in hand. Casey is forced to listen to a ten-minute lecture on the dangers of underage drinking. It’s as dull as one would expect. When she’s finished, Elsa boops her on the nose. 

“Okay. I’ll leave you to freshen up then drive you back home. I’ll wait downstairs.” 

Elsa leaves Casey, who dramatically falls back onto the bed. She reaches for her phone that’s neatly plugged in and sitting on the nightstand. She’s still pissed, but she silently thanks her mom for having the decency to charge it. 

Casey pounds in her passcode and goes into her messages. 

[ _Evan Tuba, 8:37 am_ ] I’m sorry I had no idea who to call. Hope your headache isn’t too bad!

Snorting, she delegates the discussion of last night’s events to when she seems him later.

She’s about to get up when she sees she still has one unread text from an unknown number. 

[ _824-360-0715, 9:19 pm]_ hey 

Casey furrows her brow. 

[ _newton, 10:04 am_ ] Who’s this

The reply is immediate. 

[ _824-360-0715, 10:04 am_ ] prolly should have led with that but i was drunk lol it’s izzie

Casey punches Izzie’s number into her contacts. 

[ _newton, 10:05 am_ ] How’d you get my number? Stalking much?

[ _Izzie Track, 10:05 am_ ] stfu 

[ _Izzie Track, 10:06 am_ ] i asked penelope okay

[ _Izzie Track, 10:06 am_ ] just wanted to check in and see if ur hangover is as bad as mine

[ _newton, 10:07 am]_ Worse

[ _Izzie Track, 10:07 am]_ can’t wait for saturday practice today 🤪🤘

Casey actually laughs out loud for real. 

[ _newton, 10:07 am_ ] I’m still gonna kick your ass

[ _Izzie Track, 10:08 am_ ] oh it’s on newton on like donkey kong 🦍🦍🦍

[ _newton, 10:08 am_ ] Aight bet 

“Casey, are you ready?” Elsa calls from downstairs. 

She locks her phone and shoves herself into some clothes, excited to go to Clayton for the first time since she started there.

...

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 1:15 pm_ ] Am I driving you home today?

She hasn’t heard from Izzie all day, and she’s starting to get nervous. Has history class always been this long? Her teacher’s voice drones on about some old fart American poet, and Casey, who initially didn’t care at all, finds herself caring less than at all. Negative caring. 

Negative caring about history because all of her positive caring is directed at Izzie. A full 24 hours has gone by since Izzie found out about Nate, and she’s starting to get worried. They seemed cool yesterday, but the lack of response is wearing on her. 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 1:17 pm_ ] ?

She watches three dots pop up on the screen, and her heart leaps into her throat. She awaits the long-coveted answer.

The dots disappear. 

Casey’s face falls. She thought their friendship was stronger than this. She and Izzie were each other’s person. Her thumbs ghost the keyboard, and she realizes she doesn’t know what she would do without her. When she first arrived, Clayton was a place of a certain elitism Casey had never come close to in her life. She’d left all of her friends behind in pursuit of a dream that felt insurmountable at a school where the cars littering the parking lot are BMWs, Mercedes, and Teslas. Then, she and Izzie found each other, kindred spirits amidst the bourgeoisie . Their friendship fills Casey with so much love, she often doesn’t know what to do with herself. Sometimes, they’re splayed on the couch, Izzie’s head resting on Casey’s lap, chatting idly about nothing in particular, and Casey becomes consumed with a comforting warmth that sits snugly in her chest. Her fingers graze the other girl’s hairline, and Izzie stops talking, a bright smile displayed across her lips. Casey smiles back. Everything feels content. It feels right. 

Moments like that are almost distant now, and the lump is already forming in her throat. As Casey’s mind is polluted with regret and loneliness, the words on the blackboard become nonsensical. 

“Ms. Gardner?” 

Her head flies up. “Sorry, yes?”

Her teacher, a mousy and balding man in his 40s, squints at her. “Are you going to read the passage?” 

Shit. She flips through her textbook rapidly. “What page?”

...

Izzie is on the verge of falling asleep when she hears the aggressive QUACK of her phone. She nearly flies ten feet into the air and curses custom ringtones, which always seem funny in the moment but lose their charm after about five texts. 

She had gotten home late from the party fully expecting a disaster on her hands. Luckily, her mom hadn’t returned yet, so she was able to put all the kids to bed without a hassle. Finally, she changed into her comfiest Clayton sweats and practically melted into her bed. The familiar duck noise came just as she was shutting her eyes. Hearing one of her sisters stir in the bed across from her, she leaps for the phone on the nightstand, whipping it into silent mode. 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:15 pm_ ] Thanks for coming to the party even tho my annoying mom invited you 

Like a reflex, her heart skips four beats. 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:15 pm_ ] I know I said this before but I really missed you

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:15 pm_ ] Like a lot

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:15 pm_ ] Like a lot a lot

Izzie blinks, staring into the blue light of her phone screen. Memories of earlier in the evening come flooding back. The touch of foreheads. Excited giggling. Half-lidded eyes. Ragged breaths. She traces the words, reading and rereading until she thinks she’s drained them of any meaning. She tries not to wonder about how much longing is in an _a lot a lot._ Izzie closes her eyes and thinks about the forehead promise and what kind of promise she really made, and all of a sudden, it’s like Casey’s lips are inches from her own, and they’re saying _I really missed you_ until she can taste the words on her own tongue. Izzie blinks. She reads the words again, one more time. She feels nothing, wonders nothing. Tastes nothing. Perfect.

She spends an absurd amount of time figuring out what to respond. 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:20 pm_ ] ditto

Just detached enough. 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:20 pm_ ] You know I can tell when you’re typing and deleting things right

Even though Casey is not present, her cheeks burn. 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:21 pm_ ] shut up newton

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:21 pm_ ] No

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:22 pm_ ] Pick you up tomorrow morning? 

As soon as she hits send, she regrets it. 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:22 pm_ ] it’s a date

The thirty seconds it takes Casey to respond are agonizing. 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:22 pm_ ] I guess so

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:22 pm_ ] :p

She fights the urge to shiver. What are they even doing? Joking around? Flirting? No. Izzie isn’t gay, and even if she _was,_ Casey has a boyfriend for fuck’s sake. A boyfriend she wished would disappear off the face of the earth. Who she couldn’t bear to look at when she and Casey descended the stairs after The Moment. No, absolutely not. Definitely not it. Unless—

Izzie locks her phone and settles back into her bed, deciding whatever limbo they’re in is better than nothing. And to be honest, she doesn’t really mind. 

  
...

Izzie doesn’t know how she can go running tomorrow. 

As miserable as the limbo was, it has now mutated into a purgatory of confusion and dangerous electricity. Dangerous. The only word she can use to describe the sparks that coursed up her spine as her pinky inched closer and closer to the tight fist of Casey’s hand. Irresistible. The only word she can use to describe the warmth when they finally touch, the sweaty terror of her palm, lightly shaking against Casey’s own, both of their gazes transfixed on the 7-Eleven parking lot in front of them. For once in her life, Izzie would rather look at _anything_ else besides Casey. The fluorescent sign flickers overhead, the light going in and out like a metronome in time with her heart. 

_Thump. Flicker._

_Breathe._

_Thump. Flicker._

_Breathe._

_Thump--_

And, Casey’s phone vibrates. She catches the name at the top in the periphery of her vision. Evan. Slimy jealousy boils underneath her skin. Above all, their friendship is tender, but for Izzie is laced with uncomfortable, sickening disgust. It’s disgust for Evan, and it’s disgust for herself for being disgusted in the first place. She reminds herself that Casey and Evan’s relationship is one anybody would strive to have. Izzie should be _grateful_ for her relationship with Casey—they’re best friends, they love each other, they have fun together. There’s nothing to hate from an outside point of view. 

But what about from an inside point of view? A part of her that can’t un-know the feeling of Casey’s lips mere centimeters from hers? A part of her that feels the heat of Casey’s eyes tracing her body during track practice, then catches them, then looks away? The part that wonders if this is what falling in love actually feels like?

Of course, that perspective would be idiotic, not to mention selfish. Hypothetically, that person would be destroying her best friend’s relationship. And for what? For the ghost of a feeling she can’t herself identify? A feeling, perhaps unreciprocated? Izzie doesn’t know how Casey feels. She can’t.

Or she thinks she doesn’t know, right up until the moment that Casey taps the “Ignore” button, barely acknowledging the incoming call. Casey looks back to the lot, avoiding her eyes, and Izzie is a piece of floating gray matter, drifting somewhere in between the dimensions of reality. In this moment, uncertainty has become tangible, and they hold it between their palms. Izzie realizes this moment is not purgatory. They exist in their own science fiction, but she’s not afraid, just waiting for the rest to be written. 

The phone buzzes again. Izzie doesn’t move a muscle. Casey glances at the phone once more, her face changes, and the story is over. Their hands untangle, awkward and messy. Izzie looks over, feigning concern to mask the bitter disappointment. 

“Is everything okay?” She asks, trying her hardest not to let her voice shake. 

“It’s Elsa,” Casey responds, her brow furrowing as she reads the rest of the message. “Hi, Honey Bear. Bear emoji. Can you please pick up a fire extinguisher on the way home?” 

Casey meets her eyes. 

A beat of silence. 

They burst into giggles. 

“Yeah so we should probably...” Casey starts.

Izzie snickers again. “Yeah.” 

“Yeah.”

Caught up in the reverie, she loses control. “Let’s go, honey bear,” she quips cheekily. The look on Casey’s face alone spirals her into a pit of resentment. The other girl grips the steering wheel hard enough to turn her knuckles white. 

“Awesome,” says Casey, who shifts the car into drive.

So, it’s another late night where Izzie lies in bed and questions her life choices. She stares at a lonely text message on her phone screen. 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 12:13 am_ ] Run tomorrow right? 

Izzie weighs saying no, but she knows she is incapable. She types back, hating herself more with every letter. 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 12:17 am_ ] yep sounds good

Back into purgatory they float. 

Awesome. 

…

The fateful day after she confesses her feelings to Casey goes a little something like this: 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 7:45 am_ ] okay i’m leaving for school now see u there? 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 7:45 am_ ] ur mom gave me eggs to bring u idk who would want cold eggs but im bringing them i guess

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 8:32 am_ ] just got here i’m going to ur locker

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 8:35 am_ ] wya i have ur stupid eggs it’s protein bitch gettem

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 8:41am_ ] cool i’m throwing them out 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:30 am_ ] lunch later?

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:40 am_ ] ?

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:50 am_ ] ???

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 12:00 pm_ ] i’m going to chik fil a w quinn and penelope lmk if u want anything i’m not paying for u tho remember slurpee night i am owed sum waffle fries 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 12:53 pm_ ] chik fil a was delicious despite the homophobia u missed out 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 12:53 pm_ ] got u a chicken sandwich i’m by your locker again if u want it loser

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 12:55 pm_ ] it’s getting cold 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 1:01 pm_ ] i hope u feel bad there are starving people and u wasted perfectly good eggs AND a chicken sandwich

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 1:01 pm_ ] actually that didn’t go to waste bitch i ate it and it tasted fucking good

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 2:19 pm_ ] miss marks is def hungover

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 2:20 pm_ ] she could barely make it thru the first two lines of the reading b4 she forced laura hanover to do the rest

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 2:20 pm_ ] now she’s rubbing her temples with her eyes closed her thursday nights must be fckn crazyyy

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 2:20 pm_ ] each time a shakespeare character says thou u do a shot mayb thats why she looks so rough lmaooooo

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 2:21 pm_ ] whoever makes it thru act 1 of hamlet wins

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 2:21 pm_ ] shit she just yelled at me for texting oops i’ll see u at practice

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 2:21 pm_ ] haha you’ll b at practice right

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 2:40 pm_ ] cool!!!!! can’t wait!!!!!

Then, practice happens, and it is somehow worse than being ghosted the entire day. Casey ignores her but in person. She’s also a mess. Her sprints are slow, paces inconsistent, and her demeanor is distracted. Izzie tries to make light of the situation, but the other girl only gives her a small grunt, and completely misses the pistol shot. She fights the urge to look back when she hears Casey’s expletive-ridden shout, wanting to meet her rage with her own. 

Izzie knows the anger is childish, but she’s the one who made herself vulnerable. It’s not fair Casey is ignoring her. It’s bordering on cruel. It’s like she doesn’t understand how cripplingly painful it is for her to be stuck in an intermediate state. Or maybe, she doesn’t care, and that hurts more than Izzie cares to say. 

So, she doesn’t look back. She keeps on running because it’s all she can do, and, honestly, she’s sick of it. 

With balled fists, Izzie storms into the locker room, ready to confront Casey. Yet, she is nowhere to be found. When she asks Coach Crowley, the older woman merely shrugs and states, “Sent her home.” 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 6:20 pm_ ] crowley said she sent u home early

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 6:20 pm_ ] u good?

She has to ask. Her studying at the library has stagnated, her mind running various scenarios of telling Casey to go fuck herself. She’s also worried, and Casey is the star of the team. It would be her fault if their conflict led to a poor performance, and she refuses to take the blame. 

Izzie plops her earbuds in and vows to do her homework for ten minutes before she can look at her texts again. An excruciating ten minutes where she finds herself doodling stick figures in the margins as opposed to solving trig problems. She reaches for the phone, hoping to see the familiar eggplant emoji. Unfortunately for herself, she is disappointed. Unfortunately for the library patrons sitting her vicinity, she slams her phone onto the table with such force the screen nearly shatters. The tutor and student next to her glare, and she throws them an apologetic smile. 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 6:31 pm_ ] we need to Talk and u obviously won’t do it over text so where r u i’m getting sick of this

She leaves the period in there to show she means business. Another ten minutes go by and Izzie makes slight progress on her homework, only 10 more 12-part problems to go. Of course, when she decides to read her texts there isn’t a response. Her blood starts to boil again. 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 6:39 pm_ ] casey r u fucking serious 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 6:39 pm_ ] ik ur reading this

If the slamming of her phone on the table didn’t break her screen, the sheer pressure of her thumbs on the keyboard might. 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 6:41 pm_ ] that’s it i’m texting ur mom see u soon

She has to pull out the big guns. 

[ _Izzy, 6:41 pm_ ] hi elsa is casey home?

Immediately, three dots pop up. They rag on Elsa, but at least she’s accessible. 

[ _elsa_ _❄️_ _, 6:41 pm_ ] Hi sweetie 😊🥰😊 No, she’s not… Do you want to stop by anyway? I made too much quiche… 

Izzie knows that is likely a lie, and Elsa probably started crafting a second one as soon as she received her message. However, she appreciates the gesture. 

[ _Izzy, 6:42 pm_ ] no thanks!! i just have to talk to her it’s really important 

[ _elsa_ _❄️_ _, 6:42 pm_ ] I’ll put some in a tupperware for you anyway… Maybe your brother and sisters can eat it….

Her heart is filled with affection. It sometimes seems like Casey’s mother knows her better than Casey does. 

[ _elsa_ _❄️_ _, 6:43 pm_ ] I could track her phone for you if that would help? I know she thinks I’m a psycho 😜😜 But I’m just a good mom

There it is. 

[ _Izzy, 6:43 pm_ ] actually that would be really awesome tysm

[ _Izzy, 6:43 pm_ ] and ty for the quiche they’ll love it

[ _elsa_ _❄️_ _, 6:44 pm_ ] Okay, give me two seconds…I need Sam to help me. He’s the tech wizard 🧙 of the family! 

[ _Izzy, 6:44 pm_ ] u got it mrs g 

The wait is excruciating. Just as Izzie is about to get started on another math problem, her phone buzzes again. It doesn’t matter, she can finish trig at lunch tomorrow. 

[ _elsa_ _❄️_ _, 6:55 pm_ ] Hi Izzie, this is Sam on my mom’s phone. Casey is at the track right now. I think she’s running laps because her dot keeps going in circles. 

[ _elsa_ _❄️_ _, 6:55 pm_ ] Okay, bye. 

With that, Izzie shuts her textbook and shoves it into her backpack. It’s time to get out of this fucking purgatory once and for all. 

… 

Casey leans over the center console, and Izzie meets her halfway. Then, they’re kissing again. Izzie wants to open her eyes because she can hardly believe it. Tangling her hands in Casey’s hair, she pulls her closer, and Casey slips her tongue into her mouth. An involuntary moan escapes Izzie’s lips. Casey grins, resting their foreheads against each other. Needless to say, the confrontation went better than planned. 

“Whoa,” Casey repeats, snarkier this time. 

Izzie rolls her eyes, but her blush betrays her. “Stop.” 

“No.” 

Casey kisses her hungrily. Their friendship hasn’t been a friendship since it started, and they need to make up for lost time. Flashes of them kissing in Casey’s bed, or at the movies, or in the locker room after a particularly sweaty practice run through Izzie’s mind. A fire burns in her stomach. She wants more. 

_More, more, more, more, more--_

Casey’s fingers play with the hem of her shirt, inching upward, and Izzie suddenly remembers Casey has a boyfriend. A goofy tall boyfriend who loves her, who would do anything for her. She yanks her head away.

“Are you okay?” the other girl asks. 

If Izzie could take a mental picture, it would be of this Casey: baby hairs flying at odd angles, cheeks flushed, eyes wide, and lips swollen from kissing. She almost becomes distracted from her purpose. 

Izzie averts her gaze. “What about Evan?” She tries to sound confident, but it comes out quiet and shaky. 

Casey sighs and rubs her temples. “I’ll talk to him. It’s uh…” She glances at Izzie. “It’s over between me and him. It has been for a while.” She swallows. “Is that okay?”

Izzie nods, unsure of how to react. 

Casey reaches out and cups her cheek, and she leans into the touch. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” 

“Yeah,” Izzie agrees. 

Casey leans over, shoving the passenger door open. “Good, now get out of my car. You have trig to do. I remember.” 

She scoffs. “You’re so attentive.” 

“I am. I pride myself on it, actually.” Casey places her hand over her chest in mock earnestness. 

She steps out of the car. “Later, Newton.” 

Casey waves as Izzie shuts it closed. 

And like that, Izzie meanders up the front walkway of her apartment building. It looks fake, a half-rendered video game, and she wonders if there’s a chance she’s dreaming. Because, to be honest, this outcome hadn’t even crossed her mind as a possibility. She walked into the track thinking she was about to lose her best friend. Now, she’s walking into her home knowing what it’s like to kiss her. 

She shuffles around in her pockets in search of her keys, and she feels her phone vibrate. She hopes she didn’t leave anything in Casey’s car because it took everything in her power to stop their performance. She doesn’t believe she’ll be able to resist a second time. 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 10:31 pm_ ] Btw your ass looks amazing in those sweatpants

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 10:31 pm_ ] I’ve always wanted to say that

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 10:31 pm_ ] Now I can

Izzie laughs. 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 10:32 pm_ ] u always could’ve said that 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 10:32 pm_ ] Not in the way I meant it

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 10:32 pm_ ] oh

Casey doesn’t text back so Izzie is finally able to enter her apartment. Confronted with darkness, she hears her grandma’s snoring from the other room. She must’ve brought the kids home earlier, which means her mom isn’t home yet, thank god. Slumping against the back of the front door, she clutches her phone to her chest, relieved and having lost the ability to function. She sits like that for an indeterminate amount of time, the insanity of the night looping endlessly in her head. 

She’s brought out of her stupor when her screen lights up. 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:02 pm_ ] I’m home

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:02 pm_ ] I just wanted to tell you

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:02 pm_ ] I enjoyed kissing you a lot

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:02 pm_ ] Like a lot a lot

Izzie grins, responding the only way she knows how. 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:03 pm_ ] ditto

…

The only thought Izzie has when the guy leans in to kiss her is _Why am I doing this?_

She didn’t care to learn or remember his name, yet here she is with his tongue in her mouth as Casey watches from across the dance floor. She could blame this on the cup of jungle juice she downed earlier in hopes of vanquishing her nerves, but that would be a lie. Frankly, Izzie has had no idea why she’s been doing anything lately. As someone who has always defined themselves as in control, she has been spiraling out of it for quite some time now. 

It doesn’t make any sense because everything that’s happened has been in her favor. Her feelings for Casey are requited. They made out at the track. They fooled around in Casey’s bedroom. They held hands on the bus ride to regionals. They decided to take it slow. The knot in the pit of her stomach should be untying itself, right?

The logical answer is yes. Except, when Casey’s lips ghosted over hers as they moved their bodies together on the dance floor, the knot pulled so tight she nearly toppled over in pain. She sprinted to the bathroom, her breathing becoming more ragged by the second. This wasn’t Izzie’s first panic attack. Whenever her mom’s ex-boyfriend would stumble in, drunk off his ass, either throwing something at her or making an explicit comment, she’d run into her shared bedroom closet, and curl into the bundles of clothes littering the ground. Tugging her knees into her chest, she’d wait for the blood to stop pounding in her ears. 

There was no closet at the hotel for her to hide. There was only impulsive decisions to distract her from the sheer terror gripping her heart, which is why when she returns from the bathroom, she begins swapping spit with nameless man from who knows where high school. 

In theory, Izzie knows there is nothing wrong with being gay. She just never thought it would be her. She figured kissing men was an unpleasant experience until she found the right one. It wasn’t terrible with Nate, merely tolerable. When she was doing it, she would typically want it to be over so they could go back to watching whatever movie or doing whatever activity. He wanted to go further, but she would say no, that she didn’t feel comfortable. She used to believe she had to wait to find the passion and spark to which many dedicated their lives. Or, she supposed, it might be another item to add to her laundry list of defects. Then came Casey, the leggy brunette hellbent on wreaking havoc to Izzie’s track team. She originally mistook the fire in her belly for rage but soon realized how wrong she was. Suddenly, the songs and the poems and the declarations that had been foreign to her for so long, they made sense. She had emerged from her cave into a world that was alive. 

These feelings did not wait for her to catch up. They carried on full speed, leaving Izzie no choice but to follow. After they’ve all been said and done, she’s arrived at a point where she should have a clear idea of her objective, but she doesn’t, and the longer she doesn’t, the more she spirals. 

After less than a minute, she pushes the boy off of her. 

“What the fuck?” His voice is harsh, and she refuses to look him in the eyes. She mumbles an apology then dashes for the exit, too ashamed to glance in Casey’s direction. 

Somehow, Izzie navigates back to her room. Her hand shaking violently, it takes over three tries to open it. When she gets inside, she fights her immediate urge to collapse against the door. The room is dark and quiet just like her closet. Her phone burns in her pocket. She pulls it out because maybe she can fix it. 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 10:32 pm_ ] casey im so

Delete.

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 10:32 pm_ ] i didn’t mean to

Delete.

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 10:32 pm_ ] i don’t know what to do

Delete.

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 10:32 pm_ ] i’m scared

Delete. 

It’s a dumb idea in the first place. A text message is powerless against the damage she has caused. She wonders if this time is the one where Casey gives up. There must be a limited number of chances a person can give another, and she’s asked for a lot of them. Too many. Of course, she would ruin this relationship. The trait seems to run in the family. 

Izzie locks her phone. The room still dark, she peels off her clothes, one piece at a time. The sensation of cloth on her skin is heavy and confining. If she can remove it, maybe she can remove the thick layer of disgust underneath. She lumbers into the bathroom and twists on the shower. Not waiting for it to warm up, she steps on the cool acrylic, letting the ice-cold water stream down her back, then lowers to the ground. She looks as small as she feels, just a little girl trying to hold herself together for the sake of everyone else. 

… 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:10 am_ ] I feel like a fifth grader

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:10 am_ ] This is a fifth-grade field trip 

Casey is currently sitting in the backseat of her parent’s SUV with her dear, dear brother Sam. Sam, who has forced their entire family on an excursion to the Bronx Zoo. There’s a new type of penguin that she didn’t care to learn the name of being shipped in from Antarctica, and, of course, it is essential they attend the introduction ceremony at exactly 1:00 pm. 

God forbid the Gardners miss any current penguin affairs. The world would come to an end. Surprisingly, Casey does not want to be here. She would prefer to be seeing a movie at the mall with Izzie, which she had plans to do up until last night when her mother reminded her about the zoo trip. 

She supposes she should keep a calendar because this is the second major family outing she had forgotten about in the past two weeks. At least, she was allowed to bring a hostage to the wedding. 

“Just the family, Casey,” her mother had insisted. “When was the last time it was just us?” 

“Right now. At this dinner. It’s just us,” Casey retorted. 

Elsa waved her hand. “Oh, you know what I mean!” 

She took an aggressive bite of meatloaf to display her dissatisfaction. 

Doug frowned. “C’mon Case, it’ll be fun. We can all get chicken fingers like we used to and go on the carousel or something.” 

“Oh no. I won’t be leaving the penguin exhibit. I’m illustrating it for class, and I’ll need to stay there all day to ensure I draw it accurately. It would be stupid to leave,” Sam said.

“Okay, the rest of us can get chicken fingers like we used to,” Doug corrected. 

Casey groaned into her meatloaf, pulling her phone out. 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 6:25 pm_ ] Can’t come to the mall gotta see the dumb penguins at the zoo

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 6:25 pm_ ] Gardners only

Izzie’s response was immediate. 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 6:26 pm_ ] thank god i thought u were gonna invite me

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 6:26 pm_ ] that’s fine! i’ll just go to the mall all on my lonesome

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 6:26 pm_ ] try on some new clothes the gram gave me some spendin $$ 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 6:27 pm_ ] Ooh sugar mama 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 6:27 pm_ ] u wish

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 6:27 pm_ ] and before u ask yes i’ll send pics

“Casey Gardner put the phone away. How many times do I have to tell you? This is a family meal.” Casey’s sudden change in facial expression must have alerted Elsa to her texting. 

“I’m just telling Izzie I can’t hang out!” 

Elsa shook her head. “Fine but hurry it up. Your father was telling us about a call he went on today.”

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 6:29 pm_ ] Gtg the monster demands I stop texting 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 6:29 pm_ ] byeee 😘

She thought about those pictures from all night until they loaded into the car in the morning, and with the promise of them, Casey isn’t as bummed she’s stuck in traffic on the way to the dumb zoo. Although, Sam is reading an article out loud off his phone, and she is three seconds from ejecting herself from the vehicle. 

Luckily, a text from Izzie saves the day. 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:13 am_ ] ur dramatic 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:13 am_ ] You love it

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:13 am_ ] actually i find it to be one of ur least attractive qualities 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:14 am_ ] that and u snore

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:14 am_ ] I do not!

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:14 am_ ] tell that to my ass lying awake at 3 am listening to the lawnmower next to me

Casey scoffs loudly. Sam is too busy to notice, and her parents have effectively tuned out the both of them.

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:15 am_ ] Tb to the time you slept on my hair for the entire night

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:15 am_ ] that’s ur own fault for not moving me i can’t hold ur nose closed u’d suffocate 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:16 am_ ] Kinky

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:16 am_ ] shut 👏 the 👏 fuck 👏 up 👏 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:16 am_ ] I repeat: you love it 

Izzie disappears for the next thirty minutes, and the pavement has never looked so inviting. If they weren’t moving at negative two miles per hour, it would be easy to launch herself out the window, which she voices to her family. 

Her sarcasm does not amuse them.

“Could you give it up for like just a second, Case? Jeez,” her dad says, glancing at her through the rearview mirror. “No one’s happy we’re in traffic.”

“Your brother really wants to see it, so we’re supporting him. We support you at your track meets,” Elsa adds. 

Casey falls back into her seat. “That is not even _close_ to the same thing. Look! Both sides are backed up. Not just one. Both!”

“I’m sure it’ll clear up. Look, I’ll turn on the radio, happy?” Doug presses the power on the stereo. 

Out of it jumps the voice of a monotone newscaster. “Due to a catastrophic oil tanker collision on I-684, both southbound and northbound ends have delays of up to four hours.”

He curses under his breath then turns to Elsa. “We’ll never make it.” 

Elsa frowns. She runs a hand through her hair and sighs. “Sam, honey?”

Sam pulls off one of his headphones. “Yeah?” 

“We’re going to have to turn around. The traffic is too bad. We won’t make it to the ceremony. I’m sorry. We know how much you were looking forward to it.”

He shrugs. “It’s okay. I’ve been watching the livestream on YouTube anyway.”

“There was a livestream the whole time?” Casey exclaims. “Why are we even here?”

“Family time.” Her mother snaps her signature catchphrase. “Now, we’re going to have family quiet time in the car ride back home. I don’t want a peep out of you.”

Doug grunts in agreement as he looks for a nearby exit. 

Casey growls, checking her messages again. Thankfully, Izzie’s familiar moniker is in her notifications. 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:46 am_ ] the queen 👸🏻 hath arrived 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:46 am_ ] It took you THAT long to drive to the mall??

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:46 am_ ] Did you play Ms Marks shakespeare drinking game before???

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:47 am_ ] i told u we r never to speak of that dreaded text chain again

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:47 am_ ] and fine i got chik fil a on the way there 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:47 am_ ] waffle fries never tasted so gud

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:48 am_ ] y what’d i miss  
[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:48 am_ ] Torture

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 11:48 am_ ] ah so not a lot 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:49 am_ ] You’re hilarious

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:49 am_ ] Bad accident on the highway we’re headed back now

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 11:50 am_ ] Can I see you later?

There’s a lull in the conversation, and Casey turns to stare out the rear at the horizon of skyscrapers behind them. She and Izzie should go into the city, she thinks. She imagines them holding hands under the Washington Square Arch, then cuddling on a bench, and listening to the various melodies of the street musicians littered around the park. _I love you_ they’d whisper in between hot chocolate kisses, the crystalline snow falling gently onto their eyelashes. They’d head home from Grand Central on the late train, and Izzie would fall asleep in her arms, leaving Casey to dream of more scenarios just like this one. 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 12:00 pm_ ] yes u can see me later nerd

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 12:00 pm_ ] check ur snap

Casey lurches forward, out of her trance. She swipes to the other app as quickly as she can. There lies an unopened Snapchat from Izzie herself. She looks at Sam out of the corner of her eye. He’s still busy looking up other penguin related things in preparation for the approaching zoo.

She presses it, and she is not disappointed. Crouching in front of a mirror, Izzie wears a lacy pink bralette along with a pair of gray joggers. Her mouth drops open. 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 12:02 pm_ ] Fuck

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 12:02 pm_ ] had to take two minutes to recover huh?

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 12:02 pm_ ] Don’t get cocky

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 12:03 pm_ ] 😋

Casey swallows. Her previous daydream was so innocent compared to the ones running through her head now. Izzie is writhing underneath her, eyes closed and mouth open, as she bites into her neck. The ghosts of Izzie’s fingernails scrape down her back. Casey becomes painfully aware being stuck in the car with her annoying family is not the place to feel unabashed heat in between her legs. It, for some reason, makes her gutsy.

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 12:04 pm_ ] Pics like that make me want to finish what we started at the wedding

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 12:04 pm_ ] yeah?

Another Snapchat. 

Casey leans the phone closer to her and nearly drops it. Izzie is wearing a different, more provocative ensemble. The gray joggers hang from her hips, revealing the waistband of a black thong. There’s a new black bra with one strap falling off her shoulder. 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 12:06 pm_ ] Actually I want to do even more than that

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 12:06 pm_ ] like what?

Casey sucks in a breath. Remarkably, she lacks a response. It takes her longer than usual to craft her return message. 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 12:10 pm_ ] I wish I was in there with you

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 12:10 pm_ ] I want to pull those pants down and drag off your underwear with them

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 12:11 pm_ ] Then I want to taste you

Her ability to conjure up anything remotely sexy impresses her. She and Evan never did anything like this. 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 12:11 pm_ ] now i want u here too 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 12:11 pm_ ] tell me more

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 12:12 pm_ ] I want to hear you moan my name 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 12:12 pm_ ] Feel you shudder against me

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 12:12 pm_ ] Touch you everywhere

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 12:12 pm_ ] Make you cum 

Casey’s level of arousal has officially reached a ‘Not Okay.’ 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 12:13 pm_ ] is it wrong to be wet in the victoria’s secret changing room

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 12:13 pm_ ] asking for a friend

Casey laughs out loud. Snapchat pops up again. She opens the picture without a second thought. Izzie is tugging down her underwear over the curves of her ass, that cheeky smile playing on her lips. It’s enough to drive Casey crazy.

“Is that Izzie?” Sam is peering over her shoulder at her phone, and Casey’s vagina dries up as fast as Southern California during wildfire season. She pushes him away. 

“No! Ew! Why are you looking at my phone?” 

“Quiet,” Elsa warns without looking up from the book in her lap. 

Sam scoffs. He drops to a poorly concealed whisper. “You laughed I wanted to see what was funny!” 

Luckily, their parents are lost in their own worlds. It tends to happen when Fleetwood Mac is put on the radio. 

Her cheeks are red hot as she smacks Sam upside the head. “Don’t look at my shit.”

“Does she send you naked pictures?” 

She smacks him again. “Dude!”

“Casey, quit hitting your brother,” Doug calls from the front, briefly stopping his singalong to the entirety of _Rumors_. 

“Sorry,” she mutters, not really sorry. Her voice drops low as well when Doug returns to song. “Yes. Sometimes she does.” 

“Nice,” he says. “Are you guys having--”

“— _No_. Don’t ask that. It’s weird. As far as you know, I’ve never been touched by another person.”

Sam wrinkles his nose. “But what about that one time I walked in on you—Ow!”

Casey smacks him for the third time. “Perv.”

“ _Casey,_ ” her mother hisses with her eyes still on the book. 

Sam rubs the back of his head. “I was just asking.”

She cannot believe they’re discussing this topic stuck in a car with her parents so close, but she hasn’t talked about it to anybody, and she’s desperate. 

“No. We haven’t. We’ve barely done anything except make out.” She sighs. “I, uh, don’t really know what to do.”

“What do you mean?” He’s genuinely seeking an explanation. Casey thinks the worst thing about him having autism is there is little to no nuance in conversations. It makes her part much more painful. 

“Well, I’ve never… _you know’d_ … with a girl before. It’s different.” She fixes her gaze on the back of the passenger’s seat. 

He holds up his phone. “Why don’t you do research? I did before I had sex with Paige.”

“Research?”

“Research,” he states. “There’s good information after you sift through all of the porn.” 

“Huh.” She mulls the idea over. Not the worst suggestion he’s ever had. 

Sam puts his headphones back on his ears. “Sorry, the ceremony is about to start. I’ve got to pay attention.” He flips his sketchbook open, pencil at the ready, while he balances his cell on the car door. 

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 12:30 pm_ ] Damn

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 12:30 pm_ ] You’re stunning

Izzie doesn’t respond, and Casey figures she’s busy meandering about the mall. They’re still caught in an egregious amount of traffic. She rests her head against the window, shutting her eyes. The only thing to do in situations like this one is sleep. 

...

“We’re hooooome!”

Casey is unpleasantly awoken from her slumber as Elsa pierces her ear drums. 

“Finally,” she groans. 

Sam packs up his sketchbook haphazardly and runs into the house to finish his illustration. Doug, Elsa, and Casey do a collective stretch in the driveway. 

“Pizza?” Doug offers. “I’m starving.”

Casey nods. “It’s the only thing that could make up for this waste of a day.”

“It wasn’t a waste! It was—”

“—Family time” She and Doug finish for her. 

Elsa grins. “Exactly.” 

They file through the front door. Casey pulls out her phone to read her notifications. 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 2:42 pm_ ] hey something came up i can’t make it tn but i’ll see u tmrw, k?

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 3:57 pm_ ] Aw

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 3:57 pm_ ] Ok see you then

She rereads Izzie’s message again, trying to shake the uneasy feeling in her chest. It’s like the vibe has shifted, but she can’t pinpoint it.

“Whaddya want on the pizza?” Doug shouts from the kitchen. 

“Hold on!” Casey calls back and locks her phone. Her hunger wins, and she supposes she’ll worry about it later. 

...

[ _gram_ _💕_ _, 2:40_ ] Your mother just came and picked the girls up. Carter is still at soccer. You should use the money for groceries tonight. 

[ _gram_ _💕_ _, 2:40_ ] I’m sorry baby

White hot anger courses through Izzie’s veins as she reads the words “Your mother.” She yanks off the shirt she was trying on and attempts to gather herself. Her mother must have a sixth sense for when things are going well in her life, she thinks, just so she can ruin it when it gets too good. Izzie isn’t allowed to be happy. Izzie has to get Carter from practice. Izzie has to cook dinner. Izzie has to turn her mom on her side so she doesn’t choke on her own vomit. 

Izzie do this. Izzie do that. 

Izzie, Izzie, Izzie. 

She takes a deep breath. 

Yes, it’s not fair that she doesn’t get to go on family road trips to the Bronx Zoo, that she’s forced to act 40 when she’s just a 16 year-old-girl. But it is reality. Shooting Casey a quick text, she scolds herself for thinking she could have anything different than the cards she’s been dealt. 

She drives to the grocery store in silence. There are no shopping bags in her car filled with new clothes. She’ll have to go to the Goodwill later this week for those, and she’ll hope they don’t smell musty like the last time. 

Her feet move down the food-laden aisles on autopilot, tossing in various cans and a different Hamburger Helper than they normally eat. Might as well make it exciting, she snarks to herself. She’s lugging everything to the car when her phone buzzes. 

She hopes to god it isn’t Casey because she really can’t deal with her right now. It’s not her fault, but Casey represents everything Izzie wants. Although the Gardners aren’t the richest family, nor are they the most functional, they do care for each other. Elsa and Doug attend every single track meet. Sam helps Casey with her homework. Casey helps Sam with his girl problems. They’re all so supportive, and they’re a dream Izzie let go a long time ago. 

[ _lil bro_ _🥅⚽️_ _, 4:30 pm_ ] gram told me u were coming

[ _lil bro_ _🥅⚽️_ _, 4:30 pm_ ] r u gonna be soon? practice ended 30 min ago

[ _lil bro_ _🥅⚽️_ _, 4:31 pm_ ] i can walk if ur busy

Shit. Carter. 

Izzie uses everything in her power not to angrily toss her groceries halfway across the parking lot. She _gently_ places a bag next to the car. 

[ _big sis, 4:31 pm_ ] do NOT walk

[ _big sis, 4:31 pm_ ] i’ll be there in ten stay where u r

She throws everything in the trunk and hightails it out of there. 

Carter wordlessly opens the car door, climbing inside, his uniform all wrinkled and muddy. He’s normally a quiet kid, but today his demeanor is sullen. It breaks her heart. Izzie observes his spiky black hair sticking out in every which way, and she licks her thumb to fix it. He ducks out of her way.

“Stop!”

She keeps reaching for him. 

“Stop!” He swats at her hand, seemingly irritated. However, Izzie notices a small smile start to grow. 

She pinches his cheek. 

“Izzie!” He giggles. “Quit it!” 

“Sorry, I forgot you’re an edgy 12-year-old now. Can’t have your sister fixing your hair anymore. Could you imagine if the other kids found out I pinched your cheek? Catastrophic.” 

He rubs the side of his face. “Shut up.”

She puts the car in drive, en route home. 

“What happened with mom?” She asks. 

Carter falls silent again. She looks over and sees him clenching his jaw. 

“Hey, stop that. Remember, the dentist said if you keep it up, you’ll need to wear a retainer, and that will make the rest of middle school real miserable for you.” 

“Fine.” He stops. “Mom lost her job.” 

It confirms Izzie’s assumed yet worst fear. She grips the steering wheel hard enough to turn her knuckles white. The crap plastic sears into her skin. 

“She went to work late again. Her boss fired her then she came and picked up Layla and Amelia from Gram’s. Gram took me to the bus so I could get to practice.” 

Izzie sharply breathes through her nose. “I’m going to kill her.” 

“What are we eating for dinner?” Carter asks, unfazed. 

“I got a new Hamburger Helper. Looked good.”

“Sweet.” He pops in his earbuds to play a game on his phone, leaving Izzie to seethe. 

The drive home is agony as her rage has nowhere to go but inward. She parks the car in their space and gets out. 

“Groceries in the trunk?”

She nods. “I’ll help, just give me a sec.” 

[ _cheez whizzie_ _😩💦_ _, 5:26 pm_ ] actually i’ll see u on monday i’m busy the rest of the weekend

Like she said, she was a fool for pretending she could have anything different. 

…

Casey throws open the front door and beelines to the stairs.

“Hello to you too,” says Elsa from the dining table.

Casey stops, seeing her entire family seated for dinner. They watch her, all equally confused.

“I’m going to bed.” She doesn’t elaborate.

Elsa is concerned. “Does your stomach hurt? Is it your appendix? Should we go to the hospital?”

She rolls her eyes. “No, mom. I’m tired, and I don’t feel good. Jesus.”

Her mother purses her lips. “Okay. I’ll put your plate in the fri—” But Casey is already gone. The door slam from upstairs confirms it. Doug shrugs and shoves a forkful of food into his mouth. Sam continues his discussion of a new NatGeo special without missing a beat.

In her room, Casey sits on her bed, dumbfounded.

Izzie and her almost had sex in the locker room. No warning, no nothing. For a brief moment, the noise had stopped, and it was two girls who craved each other. Although it physically pained her to end it prematurely, especially with her body objecting, she knew it was necessary for the sake of their relationship. As much as it felt so good, it felt so wrong. During their first time, it should be about them, and Casey could tell Izzie’s mind was somewhere far away.

However, since she left, the aching hasn’t stopped. The phantom sensations of Izzie’s fingers touching her down _there_ are fresh and unrelenting, and the throbbing heat in between her legs is painful at this point. Almost by instinct, Casey finds her own hand moving under the waistband of her shorts.

She is unsure if she’s ever been this wet in her life. Sex with Evan was great. She was attracted to him, aroused by him, wanted him. It wasn’t like there was a problem with lubrication when they did it. But she also never felt the irresistible urge to touch herself afterwards. Her imagination could always be redirected, particularly at dinner time. Food would never come second to sex.

That is, until now, because she’s fucking masturbating while her family enjoys a pleasant pot roast downstairs. It’s Izzie’s fault, not hers. She was merely changing before the other girl shoved her up against the lockers and—

_Fuck._

Casey hits a spot that makes her see stars.

She’s reminded of the unholy noises Izzie made at the wedding. Her desperate breathing in the locker room. The intensity of her gaze, dark and blown wide. She remembers the softness of her skin and the fire that ignites inside her with each point of contact.

Suddenly, she’s back to where she was earlier in the evening. Except, this time, she doesn’t stop.

 _Oh my god,_ she thinks. _Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my…_

Blood roars in her ears. She fights a moan as her entire body tenses, and she’s forced to bite into her opposite hand to quell the sound. After few seconds of shivering aftershocks, she falls limp onto the bed.

She’s significantly less frustrated, which is good. And yet, as she sinks into her comforter, her escapade does little to alleviate the impending doom in her chest. This is not the first time she’s felt this way with Izzie. Their relationship has been a whirlwind of fights and reconciliations, and with each one, Casey grows wearier.

The worst part is Izzie’s pain is so visible. Her smiling exterior is cracked and oozing, and the hurt runs deep. So desperately, she wants to help her, but she is realizing it is impossible to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. She is not an outlet for that pain. Unless Izzie wants to work through it together, she can’t keep this up. It affects her friendships, her family, and her performance in track. It’s incredibly unfair for Izzie to put her in such a position.

She’s done.

The masquerade is over. She needs answers, and she deserves them. Fists clenched, she searches the bed for her phone. She lifts it to her face, typing furiously.

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 6:47 pm_ ] Izzie I know you probably don’t want to talk to me now and I know you wouldn’t pick up if I called so I’m just going to say it here

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 6:47 pm_ ] You know how I feel about you. I think I’ve made it abundantly clear. But it’s also abundantly clear you don’t know what you’re feeling. Or maybe you do. I don’t know because every few weeks you 180 and I don’t know what’s happening. This means so much to me but what happened today really fucking hurt and I don’t want to be hurt. That isn’t what a relationship should be.

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 6:48 pm_ ] I don’t really know where we go from here. That’s up to you. I’m around to talk if you want to talk but if you don’t

Her hands shake.

[ _fig newton_ _🍆_ _, 6:48 pm_ ] I guess I’ll see you at track

She takes a deep breath then locks her phone. It stays on her bed while she returns to her family, hoping their love can fill up the massive hole in her heart. 


End file.
